Tonight I can't sleep. I am at the age where I worry about my parents more than they worry about me. Is that possible? I learned today that my mother had a heart attack. She is 72 and my dad is 83. She has had several strokes and dad is a survivor of prostate cancer. They are both on medications but the shitty thing is I have no idea how they function day to day or week to week; They live several thousand miles from me and four of my siblings. There are seven of us all together (not including my parents). One of them lives an hour away from them but is the oldest of us and therefore the overachiever; She is very busy making a solid six figures and building a new house. So I'm not sure how many cans of salmon my dad is opening each week to prepare a meal for him and mom. He is not the type to have a stranger underfoot to do it for them. Dad instructed us by email not to panic. Translated that means "Please nobody fly out here to rescue me. I cannot deal with you all. I would like to shed my tears in the quiet of my room and cry out in private to God about my fears and my anger and my regrets and my pending losses. I know exactly how he will do it too. He will sit on the edge of his bed when he is numb and weep. Then when he has the strength he will sit at his piano and play old love songs from the forties and sing to mom, for mom, about mom. I was very young when I realized that that was one way he made love to her and he will do that forever. (Tenderly by Nat KIng Cole) Translated it means don't fly out here and tell us how to eat,exercise, cook walk, run, jump, and fart. I just want to cherish the memories and pray for my miracle because that is what i am hoping for with all my heart. I do not want to know how angry you are because we eat two bags of cookies in a week because by the time I feed your mom that five o'clock meal all my energy is drained. I am 83 years old for God sake."
So I sit here and wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight because I know when I go back to my bed I will sit on the edge and join in the chorus of weeping and lamentations and prayers in hope of that miracle.
Goodnight